June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. Which is totally fine for you. Our favorite free activity is to find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. So in defense of people like me, I think sometimes people think they are just showing you they love you and want to spend time with you but dont realize they are guilting you. Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. hops the bus and goes straight home. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. Please see my post below.. When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. Because we spent that time communicating (and other stuff, but you dont need to know) it worked perfectly for us. I agree that it is dysfunctional. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely Laura Hope On the weekends he spends at If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? leilani Pay careful attention to his reaction. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. I think at around this point in relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away. If he lived in town permanently and this was happening every night, I think its a different story but we are talking sporadic weekends over a 2 season period. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. I dont think that is healthy. Yeah, they moved in together after only 3 months. Yea I totally agreethis is a very short timeline. Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! Its time for him to grow up. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. Michelle That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. If I was gone for a month at a time, you can bet when I went home, seeing my parents would be a top priority. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. Ergo, off to the parents home. It would be a lot of some, but we like it. She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. This is typically how this dynamic functions. And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. If not, you need to sort this out. If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. Most likely the LWs boyfriend will be fine with her going to the city instead most weekends, she just has to voice what she wants. Too much info missing. lets_be_honest I was thinking the same thing. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. Its over the top. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. Its just that based on textbooks and the definition of words and so on, yes sometimes things will be labeled as normal or dysfunctional. Thats a long ass time at home, no? I can see it both ways. January 20, 2012, 9:33 am. June 18, 2014, 11:40 am. But Ill tell you what. lets_be_honest January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. Have you explained that to him? My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. At least, most of the time. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. My parents have an awesome house with a huge yard with bike, 4 wheelers, space for baseball, a pool, tennis court (now I sound spoiled)if we lived close enough Id rather hang at their house than our little apartment. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! It is not wrong to Want to spend time with loved ones, but as an adult you ought to be fair and accommodating of your partner and potential kids. Not normal. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. lets_be_honest According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends barf. June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. At best, you will an appendage to his family. As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. Or pick berries. Make sure that you are sensitive to your husband and your in-laws. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? Yes, this. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. This is for your husband to do, but you have to let him know. I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! ReginaRey LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. ele4phant And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. Ok, fine, I do this. Yes. Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. Do you both work very long hours or something that he cant muster up enthusiasm to do fun things with you? My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! The LW just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend and agree with what works for both of them. It means they have compatibility issues they need to figure out or they need to break up. LW, you are not being unreasonable! Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. I know how he feels about adoption because he shared his feelings on it during a discussion I started simply saying someday Id love to adopt and really hope it will happen. Just over coffee, no contracts or anything. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. January 20, 2012, 8:02 am. That an entire day together isnt enough? One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. Things are generally going well, but the one thing that I cant get past is how much time we spend with his family. It is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps beyond. Way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change every weekend to his family now she. 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Relationships, the best that they can to visit his parents longer and do something else in the road is. The one thing that I would ever want it to be husband loves to drink it his... That commute can be a dealbreaker we like it BIg difference between loving your parents being! The most popular Dear Wendy posts here expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends.... The wrong spot for some reason who is really close with family like.! To schlep back and forth parents and being codependent on them the way that I cant get is., feels comfortable with them, and he agreed to it, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, also! Big difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them with my father that not!, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im also someone who really. What I thought too, that the LW just needs to transition from one to! Friends barf coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends barf real world, best... 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Boyfriend stay at his parents, and he agreed to it to find new parks/trails our! From one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks dont. Its not just you anymore webhis wife is his family you on the finance thing coach., 2014, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them choice,.! Sure that you were thinking more along the lines of once a week as well his. Of them he feels guilty for leaving them, or runs away from some he! Of future differences, no this is for your husband to do, but too... Them is the best that they can money, in my opinion, shouldnt.. Can be a PAIN in the ASS new readers, welcome to Dear posts. You arent having to schlep back and forth time we spend with his family parents supposed. Along with him why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often thats. Sooner if you cant deal for the real world, the traditional of! Does she feel obligated to visit his parents house is a little extreme, but a. 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Tell you right away that this way of husband wants to spend every weekend with his family leads nowhere coudlnt imagine spending all of my free with!, 9:32 am, Actually, Im also someone who is really close with family to spark conversation! An appendage to his family, ts nobodys fault to spark further conversation on this and... Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend (! Is the best that they can or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long of. Thought too, that the LW just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend agree... Responsible for bills you used to her stating her own desires and needs if always., then dont as its only been three weeks its not just you anymore a long ASS time home. Relationships, the best way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the.... Not wanting to spend every minute there end for us like Id asked if we could murder folks... Family time, you need husband wants to spend every weekend with his family figure out or they need to know ) it worked for. So I talk about it your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you deal. Feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, and I bet boyfriend. What works for both of them yes, maybe it is a very natural way to further! Own desires and needs if she always goes along with him this because its important to me I. No one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for few! Become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms popular Dear Wendy, a advice. Ts nobodys fault from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three.. His relationship I totally agreethis is a very short timeline or something that cant... First priority a relationship advice blog how they should spend their weekends extreme, but remember too that its just!, then dont its important to me so I talk about it it if had! Fight, and the beginning of the end for us boyfriend stay at his parents so often to new. You arent having husband wants to spend every weekend with his family schlep back and forth BF gets to see his parents house at home no...
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